Archive for July, 2011

Well it’s the day after the big visit that never occurred. You would think that I would be more relaxed and at ease. The attorney is hard at work, M slipped  up and made her intentions plain to see, and the waiting game is over. Well, I’m not more relaxed! I was up until four am last night because my mind just wouldn’t shut down. The next “thing” coming was rolling through my mind over and over. It’s dumb because I have no idea what comes next. Trying to figure out what M has up her sleeve is impossible. There is no telling which direction she may go at any given moment. The only thing that is sure is that M will do anything she can to be able to “win” in her own eyes. No need to worry there, because there isn’t a damn thing that I can change or make different.

The next question rolling around is, what will the lawyer do? Again, it just doesn’t matter. I have come to trust and believe that my attorney is God sent. The woman truly understands and is a pitbull in the courtroom. The only thing I worry about is how much is this all going to cost me in the long run? It’s not that my lawyer is sooo expensive, but that things could go quickly or drag out indefinitely depending. So, why am I worrying about my lawyer? I trust she is doing what is best, and that she will wrap it up as quickly as possible. I really have nothing to worry about thus far. M is going to be M and my attorney is going to do her job well.

Honestly what was eating me last night was B. I know that last night was a big game for M. The fact that she took B to a location where I wasn’t after being informed that I wouldn’t be there and why, as well as where I could be found and why shows her intent. My worry is the effect of all this on B. My question is how much of this shit garbage is B buying into. Does my daughter actually believe that I cared so little as to not show up to see her? When I don’t know details of what is being said and done, I don’t have specific things to worry about. When I know exactly what is being done and said it really comes into focus and I worry a lot. I know B is intelligent and that she truly knows her father, but how much does she believe her mother’s lies?

That is the heart of all this, I am worried about my daughter and the effect all this is having on her. What does she believe and how long will it take to undo the damage being done? I just don’t know any of the answers there, so there is nothing I can do to combat it. I don’t even know at this point how long it will be before B even has the ability to see the truth of the situation. Until she sees the whole picture, she only has the side of things being presented to her. That “side” is obviously tainted and slanted to benefit M. The truth of the matter is that B has and is already making decisions to believe what M is spewing. If B wasn’t choosing to believe the lies then we wouldn’t be where we are now. The track record doesn’t bode well for her future decision making abilities.

All I want is for my daughter to be healthy and happy. Right now I know for a fact that B isn’t happy. How could the child be healthy with all the emotional and psychological warfare going on?

 

As you all know, I have been a mess in anticipation of my visit  that was supposed to occur with B tonight. Well, it never happened. I attended a meeting with my attorney this morning and due to the fact that M filed all this paperwork the day after I demanded to see B and the recent communication, we both decided I should play it safe. Rather than have a meeting at the usual gas station, I was advised to have M drive to my parent’s house (5 mins. farther away, if that) so that there was no opportunity for  M to pull anything stupid and there was no alone time with B. It would cut things off with M and B would be surrounded by family that was welcoming and loving. Neither could cause any unwanted drama.

Unbeknownst to M, I sent the e-mail in reference to all this from the lawyer’s office and in her presence after she proof read it all. I was told exactly what to write. I also made a phone call in front of the Lawyer to let M know about the e-mail. The call was to make sure M got the e-mail as soon as possible and could make any arrangements. As if arrangements are needed for a five minute drive! Within an hour I got my response, and M refused to meet at my parents house. I then responded that I was sorry to hear that and that we would be there regardless if she changed her mind. I then received two more e-mails. One stating that she would meet me at the gas station as we discussed, than another stating that she and B were at the gas station and had been waiting for half an hour for me.
Now, my e-mail and subsequent message were dictated by an attorney and were very clear and concise. There was no way she thought I would be at the gas station after I clearly stated that I would not be, and why. This was a clear and blatant manipulation of B, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. A blind man could see what is going on here. This is just the latest of many on going incidences that are meant to make me the “bad guy” in B’s eyes. No matter what happened, I was going to be the bad parent in this deal. If I had been where she dictated that I should be, then I was forcing B to see me. As it played out, M took B to a location she knew I would not be at and surely made reference to the fact that I didn’t care enough to show up. What other reason was there for the two of them sitting in a parking lot for 30 mins.?

What we have here is a parent that is in obvious contempt of a standing court order (she has been for a very long time), and finally we are at a point that we may be able to do something about it. At this point, my attorney is reviewing all the information we took her to determine the best course of action. I have resigned myself to the fact that forcing B into an unwanted relationship with me will only further damage what relationship we have left. So what we are pursing is court ordered counseling for B and M being held accountable for her actions. Anything above and beyond that is in my lawyers hands and up to her judgement.

Last night both Mel and I got about two hours sleep. Once I decided to get out of bed, somewhere around 5am I was sick in the bathroom for several hours. The stress of this is tremendous and I am just wanting it to all stop. How do people enjoy and participate in this kind of drama? Now, my ex is not the sharpest tool in the shed, she is actually pretty damn close to trailer trash. Her mom lives in the projects, and all but one of her three sisters are a complete drain on society as a whole. The one sister that has any money is unfortunately just as sick and twisted as she is. What I am getting at is that neither she nor the people close to her are intelligent enough to make a plan and carry it out over a long period of time. I believe that M’s actions are evil. Where does evil come from?

Just think about that for a few moments and understand what happens when you allow this into your life.

I got a wonderful surprise  via the mailman today. I got served with custody papers, yee haa!!! So this woman must either be the most arrogant or the most ignorant person on earth, I’m not sure which. Either way her brass balls clank with the sound of thunder! She’d make Thor proud. The papers make claims that I haven’t attempted to see my daughter, etc. Most of the other allegations are true, but why???? The why is the root of all this. As I type this my wife is organizing almost a year’s worth of e-mails and a phone call journals that slam all her reasons why she should get more custody (and child support, don’t forget that). Sorry chic, we got our shit together, duh like you don’t know this.

Note the steaming pile to the left. That is what all this is, a bunch of crap! It’s not like we didn’t see this coming, I have experienced her inability to think rationally and her arrogance repeatedly in the past. Somehow it is still always surprising when M pulls another stunt. Let’s break it down, point by point. M claims in the paper work that I have not attempted to see B since December 24, 2010. Nope, sorry I did see her on the 27th of that month, and I have several e-mails proving that I attempted to see B throughout the month of January.

The second thing is that she says no one in my family including me even asked how B was doing over the last several months. I have an e-mail where she references the fact that my sister attempted to contact her . I also have multiple e-mails where I sent B messages asking how she was doing and telling her that I missed her and wanted to see her. In addition I have many e-mails that were never responded to that were addressed to both B and M.  I have a phone call log that shows the number of times I attempted to call M and she didn’t answer or never returned my calls.  I also have e-mails sent by my mother to B.

She goes on to state that I remarried and that I have a step child living in my home. My question is what am I to do with J? Put her in a box in the back yard or something? There is a good reason to modify custody! How damn stupid is that, honestly? I remarried, that is her issue, not B’s. It drags on saying that I haven’t seen or spoken to B in six months. Duh, neither of you will answer my calls or reply to texts or e-mails. B’s cell has been changed and I have been refused the number. Now tell me, how am I to see B if I am unable to make any type of contact with either of them? Lest we forget that I have not attended any school activities. If I don’t know what and when how am I supposed to attend? This goes back to neither of them being willing to communicate with me in any way. How is that my fault?
The great one was that my e-mails cause emotional distress for B. Now if your father saying that he loves and misses you caused you emotional distress there is a huge issue. That is what all my e-mails state, plain and simple. Every damn e-mail is about how much I love, miss and want to see B. M was carbon copied on several of them. How am I supposed to win with this kind of crap?  Ok, let’s review things here. My daughter’s phone number was changed, my ex refuses to answer her phone, neither answer e-mails, and both refuse any counseling. How am I supposed to make contact and have a normal relationship with my daughter or a working co-parent relationship with my ex?

Does this constitute me being a bad parent? I think not. What I think is that the actions of M were meant to cast a negative light on me as a father. What she didn’t count on is that I have kept track of all communications (or rather attempted communications) and have proof in writing of her failing to do what a normal person would. Any normal parent would foster the relationship with the other parent of the child. A normal parent would encourage, or force if needed the child into counseling when it is obviously in need.

Oh, joy I just got an answer to the e-mail I sent 11days ago to M. It basically said that B doesn’t want me to have her cell phone number (I have asked at least five times over two months)  and that I should call M’s cell phone (that she doesn’t answer) to contact B. It went on to say that B basically didn’t want to see me tomorrow night, etc. The bitchiness attitude wasn’t even concealed behind any type or attempt at civility. What bullshit all this is!

I do want to give huge thanks to my beautiful wife for sacrificing her day and sanity to get things ready for the attorney. She organized a stack of paperwork two inches deep as well as wrote out a counter claim/rebuttal that is eight pages long. Mel is the most wonderful woman that God ever created. For her to put so much time, energy,effort and emotion into this on my behalf means more than words can say. Again, I love you Baby.

By the way to those of you that read Mel’s blog as well, I have the same wonderful feature. So howdy and feel free to speak up and put in your two cents. I’d love to hear the comments.

In closing I’d like to ask for prayer for everything that is going on. I really need wisdom to deal with things, and Lord knows I need His help. For those of you that already are, thank you and they are having an effect.

A lot of people don’t understand what PAS really is. There is a difference between a some what healthy/normal relationship with an ex spouse and what PAS is. In a normal relationship with an ex, you don’t let it effect the children involved. An example, if you have an ex that you don’t necessarily like or get along with, then the children or child doesn’t see the two of you fight. The kids don’t have one parent pitting them against the other. No negative comments are made about the other parent and no one tries to influence the child in any direction. My wife and her ex-spouse don’t get along well. It is difficult for the two of them to communicate, etc. But as far as I know, he doesn’t make any harsh comments about us nor do we about him. Neither side tries to pit the child against the other. Now having said that, there are the normal ex games as I call them. This is my opinion, but her ex does try to use us as an excuse.

There are two types of parents. There are parents that will and have walked through hell for their children, then there are parents that have children that seem to be after thoughts in their life. In any family where there are new blended families with new marriages and children there are new priorities. What is right and what is wrong is a choice that the parents decide for themselves. If a parent chooses not to take advantage of visitation for a long period of time and then the other parent doesn’t cooperate with meeting half way or something of the like, it isn’t PAS. The fact is that the other parent has something to prove. They need to prove something to their ex, and the child. A parent should always have the best interest of their children at heart.  If that means that the other parent has to drive a little further to show that they are serious, then so be it. A child doesn’t need a parent when it is easy for the parent and no parent when it’s hard for them. That isn’t the way it works. It’s just not healthy for a child to have a fair weather parent. So the above is normal, and far from PAS.

PAS is a whole other animal completely. With PAS a child is used a a weapon, period. There is one parent that attempts to cut the child off from the other. Now the offending parent usually has their reason. Bear in mind that it isn’t a good reason. I am sure that M could site a laundry list of why she knows best and how B is better without me. Is it true, HELL NO IT ISN’T!  A parent that is guilty of PAS makes the child depend solely on them, they intentionally make negative comments about the other parent and or family. They make sure that the child doesn’t view the other parent as worthy of being loved. It is very complicated and takes time to achieve. It’s all planned out and there is an end goal in mind. The links on my blog and the definition post explain things so much better than I ever could. It’s kind of scary that it has happened to me and I still don’t understand exactly how. I could write about independent incidences and tell you about what has happened blow by blow. It would take days of typing to do that and I don’t really care to relive the past.
There are ex’s then there are sick demented horrible people that you once were married to. There is a difference, a huge difference. If your ex sucks, they are supposed to, they are your ex for a reason. If your ex is truly a monster, read up on PAS and get your child into therapy as soon as possible. It wouldn’t hurt you either.

I read the blog of someone who is right in the middle of a separation and facing a divorce last night. It reminded me how horrible divorce really is. In his situation there are two small children involved, how horrible. I put my two cents in and gave unsolicited advice to him. Maybe I overstepped, but it is hard to see clearly in the midst of a crisis. Nothing in life is more of a crisis than a divorce. My advice to him was direct and to the point. I told him what I did and what I experienced.

In my personal experience I felt the same as he did, it was all my fault. Now looking back I was a fool. There was way more to the story that I was just not aware of. The divorce had been in the works for months and all the decisions were made long before I knew what the future had in store. There was nothing that I could say or do that would have changed a damn thing! My opinion is that divorce is an evil, terrible thing sent straight from the bowels of hell. There is nothing positive that comes from a divorce. God can use divorce to effect positive change and release you from your own bad judgement as He did in my case, but in and of it’s self divorce is a vile thing.

I have mentioned that my father is a pastor, what I didn’t say is that one of the many ministries that he has been involved with is with the homeless. I myself in my past career came in contact with all walks of life from the highest of the high to the lowest of the low. Having been around so many people that have hit their own rock bottom has allowed me some prospective. So many of these people began their own downward spiral because of divorce. If you don’t see the need for help and try to handle things alone, it’s easy to find bottom. In my case the grace of God is what kept me from hitting bottom. I had the wisdom of both my parents to draw from and a wonderful church that supported me.

My divorce brought me back to God. Those that aren’t saved don’t have that benefit, nor do those without a strong family unit. I am a very lucky and blessed person, and I know it. Things could have been much much worse had things been slightly different.  A person can only take so much heartache before they become broken. How far a person falls is just a question of how much support they have. It’s so sad to see or hear of so many family units being broken. I haven’t even mentioned the effects on the children. In my case it has been extreme. B has had to deal with the abandonment of her biological mother and the manipulations of M. There isn’t a much worse situation that a child can face.

Had B not had the abandonment to deal with, she would not be so easily molded and weak in the face of the manipulation by M. B’s heartache all started with divorce. The divorce with #1 was mutual and smooth for both she and I. It was agreed upon and welcome. The emotional effects on the two of us was minimal, but for B it has and will cause a life long series of questions and pain. My divorce from M was the exact opposite. I never saw it coming, it was completely out of left field. I never knew how bad it was until it had already happened. I had steeled myself to remain committed and work through  any trial that faced us. The problem is that she had given up long before I knew there was a problem. I won’t say it was all her fault, because as much as I dislike her, it wasn’t. With my medical issues came huge financial changes and long periods of depression. I wasn’t always the husband or father that I should have been. Was the divorce my fault? The answer is HELL NO! I was committed, but she wasn’t. I now thank the Lord everyday that she wasn’t, because if she had been I wouldn’t be with Mel. At the time though, it sucked.

Marriage only works if both people are completely committed to making it work. That means different things to different people. For my wife and I it means putting God first in our marriage and drawing strength from Him when we are weak. We both realize that everyday you aren’t madly in love and that you don’t always have rainbows and care bears shooting out of your ass. That’s when we have to lean on Him. Find what is true and real and fight for your marriage. When it’s right, it is better than all the money in the world, and when it’s wrong it’s like walking through hell. I’m blessed with the woman God intended me to have the first time. I wake up knowing that no matter what the future brings, she will be by my side to face it all. I love you Baby, thank you for being my wife, even on those days when life is a trial.

After discussing my last post with Mel I wanted to follow up to clarify a few things. First off, I couldn’t give a shit what M thinks or feels. She has shown that she is willing to sacrifice everyone for her selfish desires. Having said that I’m not worried about what she will say or do after my visit with B. Nothing I say or do will be right and anything said or done will be twisted to be negative. I do however what to remain aware of the fact that this is a game to her. It is life to me and for B, but that isn’t here concern. To forget that what she is capable of is very dangerous for me.

 

My main concern in that regard is that she find another plot or plan that further hurts B. I can deal and will be fine with time no matter what happens. I have faith that my little girl will return to my arms one day and understand the past with full understanding and clarity. What worries me is what is said and done between B and I during our visit. Being vulnerable emotionally to a teen that is fickle, and has shown a lack of caring for me is scary. I want to be honest and open with B, without letting the meeting cause any undue damage to either of us.

 

I know these are my thoughts and feeling but I want them to be understood and clear. Ok, I’ve had my say and I’m done for now.

Since I got up this morning I have been in a funk. At first I thought I’d had bad dreams or something. As the day has worn on, my wife has said things about how I have been acting. I started questioning myself on what my issue really was. Well, after all day has passed I have finally figured it out. It’s Thursday that is bothering me… For those of you not following along, Thursday is the day that I am scheduled to see B for the first time in about seven months. There is part of me that is extremely excited to see her, but another that is full of dread and misgivings. I want to see her, but I am so afraid of my feelings after the visit. I’ve been smoking like a freight train for the last several days in anticipation and didn’t even realize what the deal was. I’d almost gotten to the point where I would have claimed to have stopped smoking, but then started dealing with all this and gave into the stress. The Marlboro man loves my dumb ass about now! Could be worse, I haven’t gone and gotten a bottle yet.

 

I’m not sure how to feel, and feel guilty for feeling what I do feel. What the hell, what’s the deal with this? My wife has been dealing with her ex all day about his visitation. She actually said she felt like M for not caving and meeting him 2 1/2 hrs away four times a month. That’s right, this guy expects us to drive 20 hours a month so that it is easier to see his daughter. He made several choices that led to him being so far away from her, not us. Never mind that he has never taken his allotted visitation, ever! I’d drive to hell and back to spend time with B and this dude wants us to do the work for him and is playing games so that he has excuses to not man up and see his kid. Makes me mad as hell. Sorry for the tangent. With the visit with B looming, I am freaking out on the inside. What I completely expect is a detached kid without feeling for the entire visit, and then no contact for God only knows how long afterward.  That’s the good version of what may happen. It could go far worse and hurt far more. The truth is that I’m not really sure what to expect, and don’t want to get my hopes up in any way at all. I e-mailed M over a week ago in reference to the visit and it has been completely ignored. I just have no clue what I am walking into.

 

The only thing that I am sure of is that my heart will still be broken on Friday when I wake up. Some idiotic part of me wants to believe that B will have missed me and now “See the Light”. Pretty stupid, I know but it’s a nice dream to have at least. I’ve had no sign from B that anything on her end has changed in any way at all. So hope is useless when it is based on nothing other than hope it’s self. Yet still a part of me holds out that my daughter will see me and tears will flow and her heart will open. Why am I such an idiot when it comes to this? I know better, but can’t help myself. I’ve come to realize that my hopes, dreams and desires for B mean nothing. M has made sure that they mean nothing to B as well and that she doesn’t even have the ability to know any of them. If M were to read this blog, she would just giggle with joy and beam with pride, knowing the pain I am in. That in and of it’s self pisses me off to no end, but how can I change it? I can’t,  I hurt and I feel the pain everyday and her pleasure in that isn’t enough to make me turn my heart from B enough to stop it.

 

So that’s why I am in a shitty mood and I’m smoking like a freight train, I just don’t know how to turn it all off. In the past, in most area’s of my life I have been able to compartmentalize and deal with whatever life threw at me. No one is shooting at me and my life in general doesn’t depend on it so it’s harder now. I’ve changed too, I’m not the man I was years ago. I’d like to believe that I am a better man that sees and understands more about life and love as a whole. I’m just not sure how to deal with this. A part of me says to close off and ignore what is sure to come and show no pain of any kind, the other says that I should allow the emotions to show. Showing the emotion is dealing with them, or is it? Is it just showing weakness when I need to be strong? Does B need to see any of this internal struggle? If I start to lose my shit do I need to just remove myself from what short amount of time we will have together?  I’ve got so damn many questions and so few answers. I guess that is what this post is all about, my apprehension about Thursday.

 

I don’t know what to say to a daughter that doesn’t want to say anything to me. I loath the idea of even seeing M because of my anger and frustration that she is the cause of. The bottom line is that this is her game. She has set up the players, the board and made all the rules. So, she wins no matter what. M’s manipulations and lies have been swallowed hook, line and sinker by B. M’s end goal of causing me horrible pain has been achieved. When I see B if any emotion is then shown, it will be reported back to M and the games begin anew with even more zeal. Does my knowledge of this outweigh what might possible offset the manipulations? I’m just not sure what is acceptable and what is stupid in this particular situation. Thank God this isn’t something that one has to commonly face, life would be a constant living hell.

 

I’m letting this effect too much of my life. My work is still suffering and the wife and I almost got into a fight as I was writing this because thinking or dealing with anything more is just too much for me to handle right now. I don’t know what to do, how to act or what to feel. It’s just overwhelming to deal with the loss and the anticipation all at once. It was easier not knowing then having the knowledge that I will truly know everything soon. I wanna find a hole, crawl into it and smoke a carton of Marlboro. I’m just tired of dealing with all of it, and need a break.