My two cents worth

Posted: July 19, 2011 in opinions
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I read the blog of someone who is right in the middle of a separation and facing a divorce last night. It reminded me how horrible divorce really is. In his situation there are two small children involved, how horrible. I put my two cents in and gave unsolicited advice to him. Maybe I overstepped, but it is hard to see clearly in the midst of a crisis. Nothing in life is more of a crisis than a divorce. My advice to him was direct and to the point. I told him what I did and what I experienced.

In my personal experience I felt the same as he did, it was all my fault. Now looking back I was a fool. There was way more to the story that I was just not aware of. The divorce had been in the works for months and all the decisions were made long before I knew what the future had in store. There was nothing that I could say or do that would have changed a damn thing! My opinion is that divorce is an evil, terrible thing sent straight from the bowels of hell. There is nothing positive that comes from a divorce. God can use divorce to effect positive change and release you from your own bad judgement as He did in my case, but in and of it’s self divorce is a vile thing.

I have mentioned that my father is a pastor, what I didn’t say is that one of the many ministries that he has been involved with is with the homeless. I myself in my past career came in contact with all walks of life from the highest of the high to the lowest of the low. Having been around so many people that have hit their own rock bottom has allowed me some prospective. So many of these people began their own downward spiral because of divorce. If you don’t see the need for help and try to handle things alone, it’s easy to find bottom. In my case the grace of God is what kept me from hitting bottom. I had the wisdom of both my parents to draw from and a wonderful church that supported me.

My divorce brought me back to God. Those that aren’t saved don’t have that benefit, nor do those without a strong family unit. I am a very lucky and blessed person, and I know it. Things could have been much much worse had things been slightly different.  A person can only take so much heartache before they become broken. How far a person falls is just a question of how much support they have. It’s so sad to see or hear of so many family units being broken. I haven’t even mentioned the effects on the children. In my case it has been extreme. B has had to deal with the abandonment of her biological mother and the manipulations of M. There isn’t a much worse situation that a child can face.

Had B not had the abandonment to deal with, she would not be so easily molded and weak in the face of the manipulation by M. B’s heartache all started with divorce. The divorce with #1 was mutual and smooth for both she and I. It was agreed upon and welcome. The emotional effects on the two of us was minimal, but for B it has and will cause a life long series of questions and pain. My divorce from M was the exact opposite. I never saw it coming, it was completely out of left field. I never knew how bad it was until it had already happened. I had steeled myself to remain committed and work through  any trial that faced us. The problem is that she had given up long before I knew there was a problem. I won’t say it was all her fault, because as much as I dislike her, it wasn’t. With my medical issues came huge financial changes and long periods of depression. I wasn’t always the husband or father that I should have been. Was the divorce my fault? The answer is HELL NO! I was committed, but she wasn’t. I now thank the Lord everyday that she wasn’t, because if she had been I wouldn’t be with Mel. At the time though, it sucked.

Marriage only works if both people are completely committed to making it work. That means different things to different people. For my wife and I it means putting God first in our marriage and drawing strength from Him when we are weak. We both realize that everyday you aren’t madly in love and that you don’t always have rainbows and care bears shooting out of your ass. That’s when we have to lean on Him. Find what is true and real and fight for your marriage. When it’s right, it is better than all the money in the world, and when it’s wrong it’s like walking through hell. I’m blessed with the woman God intended me to have the first time. I wake up knowing that no matter what the future brings, she will be by my side to face it all. I love you Baby, thank you for being my wife, even on those days when life is a trial.

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Comments
  1. Mel says:

    I love you!

    I didn’t marry you expecting anything more than you. What we attain, enjoy, struggle or have to go through together is par for the course.

    P.S. You don’t know this, and I will never divulge, maybe you should talk to Urs, but my love of Care Bears was extreme, probably more than NKOTB.

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