I really feel like some clarifications may be needed for those that aren’t a part of the “inner circle.” I don’t want anyone thinking that I have given up or given in. The fact of the matter is that I just see the reality of the situation that I am currently in. The reality is that B is not a small helpless child. My daughter will be 16 in a few short months. This isn’t a case of brain washing, nor do I think every alienation situation is. The truth is that a child, and in this case my child, has made decisions actively to be where they are and doing what they are doing. That isn’t to say that I believe that M has no part in this.

Looking back this was set up for many years to mentally condition B to make the decisions that would lead to this.  Pointing fingers is extremely easy to do, but honestly I have made a lot of mistakes along the way as well. I don’t blame B nor do I totally blame M for the situation. I also played a role in this whole messed up deal. I saw warning signs that I ignored, because I didn’t want to see them. No one wants to look at their spouse and see a manipulative horrible person. That is almost impossible to do, even for the most intelligent well adjusted person (I don’t claim to be either). I could have made some better choices prior to the divorce as well as after that would have had an effect on where things are. While in the midst of the divorce things got about as nasty as you can imagine. I actually took 8 or 9 months off from having any contact with my ex, M. My parents, sister, or anyone but me would pick up and drop off B. I simply didn’t trust her and had no desire to be put in jail over some lie or BS that never happened. Yes it was that bad! I’m not sure what I could have done that would have impacted what is happening now, but I do know that B didn’t see her parents as a team working together for her. She saw two people that had zero trust for the other and a tremendous amount of malice.

All that malice is gone on my part. What it has been replaced with is anger at what is happening in the moment. I don’t look back and hate M for the things she has done, but I do get annoyed, pissed off, or frustrated when we have to deal with stupid issues now. When I think of M now it just makes me sad for so many reasons. The same can be said for B. They both aren’t allowing themselves to feel true happiness and love from the people that surround them. B has made the decision to cut me, my parents, both step-siblings, her cousin, aunt, uncle……..shall I go on? Out of her life. M could have partners in raising B and a pretty decent ex (if I do say so myself) if she only would allow it.

So I am hurting from not being able to be in my daughter’s life, but there is a lot of pain on the other side as well. Living in an emotional box and refusing to feel isn’t without pain. B is hurting herself as much as she is hurting me. The difference is that I have life experience and maturity that she doesn’t have. I’m simply better equipped to deal with emotions and life in general. I honestly worry how the decisions she  is current making will effect her long term. My biggest fear is that she will stay emotionally in a place where she blames me regardless of the reality of the alienation. There really is no right thing for me to do. I followed the advice of therapists and gave B space. That space turned into her saying that I abandoned her in favor of my wife and family. So then I pushed to see her, and she reacted violently as did her mother.  It’s the worst kind of catch 22 possible for a parent. The harder I try the further away she gets, but if I do nothing I feel like a horrible parent and she feels abandoned.

That’s why we see the current custody situation as a win for both sides. I’m not forcing B to see me, and she finally has to attend therapy and discuss things with a professional. I hope she gets some perspective on things and begins dealing with her emotions. Well, I have a lot more to say, but that will more than likely continue for a while. So I think I will end things now and try to enjoy the weekend.

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Comments
  1. Jolie Hughes says:

    Having children by an ex, I fully understand the frustration you are dealing with even though the situation is a little different. It is never easy, and what is so hard about it, is to try and be the better person, not just parent, and not let the child know exactly how the other is and maybe even all the reasons you are no longer together. So if it counts for anything, I think that you know your own situation and are handling things the best way you can at this moment. I hope you have a good weekend.

  2. Mel says:

    I think the thing that most helps is remembering (and hearing) that most children that are put through this end up realizing and resenting the parent that escalated it. I really feel like B will see one day, not necessarily have a full 180, but see clearly what happened. It may or may not heal the relationship here, but it’ll be nice for the blinders to be off.

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