Well I recently got B’s new phone number. It’s been over a year since I had a working number for her and just the idea of being able to call or text her is pretty exciting. In the past if I called M she would let it go to voice mail or on the rare occasion she did answer, she’d say, “I’ll let her know you called.” Honestly I am not expecting much of anything to change, but at least now I can call and hear her voice…even if only on voice mail. Side note: We have a consult with the court ordered counselor!

I’ve talked about the fact that I think a lot of ingredients and a lot of people contributed to B being in the emotional place that she is. I think taking a look at all the major players is a good idea. I know that my parents being married for over forty years has effected my outlook on love as well as all the relationships in my life. To start with we have B’s biological mother. Strange side note, she and M are now friends! They’ve always hated one another….so strange. Ok, back on track. We’ll call the womb donor R.

R and I met in high school and started doing all the things we shouldn’t have done. It was a little hard not to. Her home life was just ridiculous. Her parents were long divorced, but her mother had just gotten custody of her. R basically had gone from a religious nut-job of a father to a no rules, drunk mother. I actually bought food for the house and stayed late into the wee hours on many occasions so that she and her younger sister weren’t alone and had food. All of which were insane considering the fact that R’s mother and step father made good money. He was a pilot and she worked in the IT industry. The problem was that mom was out partying/whoring around (the woman tried to seduce me not once but four times), and step dad was working all the time literally. This was her mother’s fourth marriage by her own choice and she wasn’t even close to 40 yet. I felt the need to be rescuer and white knight, which was a bad move. You can see where a teen girl might get a little screwed up in that type of situation. It really brought out the worst in R. She was selfish, lazy, and generally not really that nice of a person. The issue was that I loved her (17YR OLD LOVE ANYWAY) and felt responsible for her. Notice I say I loved her, and not that I was in love with her. There is a huge difference and I was too young to understand that. Shortly after graduation, B was on her way into the world. Three months along and in a wedding dress, and for all the wrong reasons on both sides. She needed a meal ticket and I felt like I needed to take care of her. Within a year of marriage R and I were not even friends and room mates was as close to a relationship as you could describe what we had. Looking back I know postpartum depression was an issue, but at twenty I couldn’t spell it much less understand it.  A couple of years later, her mother died in an alcohol related motorcycle crash and her hole grew even deeper. B was a constant source of stress for her and I was just there. To be fair, I had a couple of serious car accidents during the time we were married and that too was a huge stress in our lives. The short version is that we never should have married, I should have asked for custody of my child and gone about life. B never saw love or affection from R for the first four years of her life. I think the divorce was a huge relief for R, and she was able to pursue things for herself and try to find happiness. She did all those things, and gave me full custody of B and within a year, she stopped seeing B. I held her feet to the fire and made her do things correctly, and it was just too hard on her. Several years later R would give up all parental rights. Enter M….

M was the product of a broken marriage and had very little contact with her biological father. She and her step father were close, but it was a bit of a strange relationship. Let’s just say there are several things about the man that made me question his character and question the childhood experiences of M. The relationship is just “different”. I’m not making any accusations, but the signs were and are there. M’s mother was an addict the first time I met her and to my knowledge still is. There are three sisters and the whole family dynamic is volatile and based on who can use the other the most. It was bad enough that M had moved out prior to turning 18 just to get out. Not the best background and a huge red flag, but I had hopes that she had risen above it. She had unfortunately not and is very happy being who and what she is. M and I did have several good years, but I truly think she was playing house. She was trying desperately to be the person she was expected to be by me and my family. The problem is that she never was that person and the strain was too much to bear. You can’t pretend forever and she is no exception. By the last few years the change was obvious and she tried less and less to convince anyone of who she was. At this point she doesn’t even try to put on a front to my knowledge. Every time we have contact, she is all games, all lies, and all “what can I get out of this situation”. I’ve said an awful lot about M in previous posts, so I won’t take up any more space for her here. You have a pretty damn good idea of who she is and what her character is. Not to mention I get tired of even thinking about her.

Now, for some self examination. This should be fun, NOT! I’m  a pretty decent guy by most accounts, but I have spent most of my life rebelling against one thing or another. For the most part I have run from God as often as possible. You see, my dad is an ordained baptist preacher and I didn’t want any part of that. Most of my teens were spent pursuing what made me happy or what I enjoyed. Mostly girls and a few good fights from time to time.  Sex and fights are  pretty fun past times, but both have serious consequences. Brianna was not the consequence of a fight obviously.  Being a decent guy, I wanted to do the right thing and hence my white knight complex. Doing the right thing means a lot of different things depending on the situation and I was too young to understand there were options available to me. I did my best to be a good husband and father, but the husband part was out of my hands. It was a dead relationship from the start and the dysfunction was very obvious.  From early on B was the victim of the dysfunction and felt the constant stress. I worked a lot to survive both financially and emotionally. The more time I spent away the more the grass looked greener. So I mowed a few lawns over the years and then had to deal with the guilt I felt. Dysfunctional or not I was married and it ate away at my soul to be that person, “that guy”. I think on the whole I was a good father, but a really shitty husband. The divorce from R was such a blessing for us both and was healthy for not only us but B as well. I then hooked up with M and like I said for a while it was good. My white knight complex is what got me in trouble yet again by ignoring all the big red flags. I take responsibility for the influence that M has on B . I also take full responsibility for the abandonment that B feels from not having R in her life. So I completely acknowledge my role here. This is all partially my fault and I know it. I don’t beat myself up because at the times I made those decisions I wasn’t mature either emotionally or spiritually. The past is just that and you learn from it an do your best to overcome the consequences of your actions. I hate that B has to be a victim of my decisions and would give my life to change it all, but it isn’t possible and I have to live with it. You see if I had made better choices, B wouldn’t feel abandoned by R and wouldn’t cling so tightly to M because of those feelings.

So the three parental figures in her life have thoroughly screwed up B’s emotional health! However, B is making her own choices now and shares a bit of blame as well. Most stories have two sides, but this one has four. So there ya have it. The highlights of the players in this sordid mess we have made of my daughter’s life.

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