Archive for the ‘Decisions’ Category

As a parent you do what you can to raise your children right.  You try to make good decisions that will give them every advantage and all the things that you never had. I became a father at a very young age. I’m not sure anyone is ever truly ready to be a parent. What happens is that you grow and learn as your child learns and grows. No two children are exactly alike, so even parenting one child doesn’t prepare you for the next. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life. I always thought that the consequences for those bad decisions were mine and mine alone. I could not have been more wrong. Having lived and learned I now see how those consequences have effected all those around me.

Who would think that a decision I made at sixteen would have such an effect on me at thirty five? Honestly, I would never have imagined that doing all the things that lead to fatherhood would bring me to the heartbreak that I have experienced. Who would think that sex could lead you to the brink of insanity? I sure as hell never did, but it certainly did. My first marriage was almost entirely because I wanted to do the right thing by Number One and B. That led to all sorts of issues for all three of us. For me, I felt rejected, lonely, and questioned any belief system that would force me into being so miserable. I moved further from all the things I had been raised to know were good and right. That led to the mental and emotional state that I was in when I met Number Two aka: M. If I had not been so lonely and emotionally compromised I would have kept walking. Unfortunately I stopped, I stopped dead in my tracks. Here I was wanting to rescue someone when I needed rescuing myself.  What is worse is that I feed into the issues that M already had while I thought I was rescuing her. It’s really sad looking back at how screwed up I really was.
So I was all fubar and trying to rescue a damaged young woman, all while fathering a little girl. If I had recognized how messed up I was, I’d have been able to recognize the danger for B. Unfortunately my eyes were wide shut and my head was planted directly in my ass!  The fact that I couldn’t see the future infuriates me. No one has a crystal ball, but one should be able to see that a rabid bitch dog is dangerous. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and shits like a duck then the damn thing is more than likely a damn duck. Well, I didn’t see any water fowl or dogs at the time. My father has always said that you can’t think straight without your pants on, and that little nugget of wisdom has proven true repeatedly in my life. I let emotions that weren’t based on anything solid dictate the decision that I made. Those decisions have wreaked havoc not only in my life but the life of my daughter and the ones closest to me. My bad decisions are now effecting my youngest daughter who was not even born when I was making them. It seems crazy, but it is so true. My wife is dealing with all this and neither of us even realized that we’d be together.

B is a victim of so many things. She is a victim of my bad decisions and the choices that M has made. If I’d been able to make the right choices, then B wouldn’t be in her current position. On some level, I blame myself for this. On other levels, I know that I could have never known how deceitful and horrible M would become. On yet another level, B is making her own decisions. She is 15yrs old, and that is old enough to make sound decisions about her own life. I raised her to know right from wrong, but she is deciding to do wrong despite what she has been taught. I know that M is more manipulative than most people can imagine, because I have experienced it first hand. Even so, when I wanted to I was able to do what I knew was right.  It takes strength, faith, and courage to do what is right in the face of opposition. B has that strength, she knows that faith, and I have seen the courage in her that she needs to make the right choices. B is only a victim if she wants to be. We all have things to overcome, and I know that people may question my belief that a teen has the ability to make the right call. Personally I think that is bullshit. Teens are faced with the choice to do drugs, have sex, drive recklessly and all sorts huge decisions. Teenagers make good choices every day. Some make bad decisions but they had a choice. B is saved and was raised in church with a strong family belief system. She has all the tools needed to see right and wrong.

I want to be clear, I don’t blame my daughter for this. I played a role in this as did M and now B is playing her part. This is a multifaceted situation. I see how my bad decisions led to this. I also see clearly that M is forcing B to choose a parent. B is in a horrible position. Who is to blame? Is this my fault? Does a child have the ability to make the right decision and stand up for herself? What do you guys think?

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Ok, so the choices are clear. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the influence of my ex wife on my daughter. Even if I was able and willing to throw 10k plus at the situation and get a custody hearing, my ex’s influence would not stop. Just for the sake of argument, lets say that all contact between my ex and daughter was court ordered to stop. It would still take a year plus to de-program my daughter. She will be a legal adult in three years. So I spend a year getting custody and a year getting her head screwed back on right and she is a year from all of this not mattering because she is an adult. If you add to that the toll it would have on the family and my personal sanity, it becomes very clear what I should do.

At this point I have a fifteen year old that is being selfish, and buying into the whole “the world revolves around me” notion. To fight that when it is being re-enforced on a regular basis is almost impossible. Realistically I will never be able to break the influence that my ex has over my daughter. As long as my daughter chooses to allow her mother that control, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. That leaves me in a hard place. Where I am now is not easy. At best a court might award me full physical custody and require all involved to attend counseling. That would only happen if the judge was wise and educated enough to see how harmful my ex wife’s action have been and are currently to my daughter.  There are a lot of “if’s” there that aren’t realistic.

Based on past experience and my knowledge garnered from ten years dealing with the court system (on the right side of the law), what more than likely would happen is far different. What could truly be expected is that a long drawn out court battle will occur costing well over ten thousand dollars and at the end my daughter would be even more against me. On top of that she more than likely will be close to being eight teen if not already there. So my question to anyone reading is, how wise would that be even based on just that information to pursue legal action? I don’t think it is very smart at all. Once you add into the equation the toll it would take on my marriage, my relationship with my other children, and my emotional/physiological well being, it looks like I would be an idiot to pursue anything close to that course of action.

Based on all that wonderful knowledge I know what to do, leave it alone and pray. That is so much easier said than done. Here I am making the decision to have no contact with my own flesh and blood because I have no control over my ex wife’s actions. How pitiful is that? Tough love is tough on me too and it is currently tearing me apart emotionally. However, to enable anyone to continue negative behavior doesn’t show that you love them. It only shows that you are weak in your beliefs and not able to take a stand for what is right. My daughter may not be addicted to drugs or alcohol but the effect is the same. If she were I would never provide money for her to purchase her vice of choice. It would be assisted suicide if I did. I liken this ordeal to that type of addiction. My baby girl is addicted to drama, narcissism, lies, and attention.  The bad part is that there is rehab for addicts, but there is nothing out there  for people with personality traits that are negative.

To understand how sick and vile the influences in my daughter’s life are you have to do some research. After several dramatic and completely unnecessary meetings with my ex I decided to surf the internet. I had discussed some of her personality traits with a former counselor but had never  really broken things down. After a short amount of time, I realized that the women that I had been married to met the definition of a sociopath. That’s right the woman I chose to be the mother of my child was a character in a Lifetime movie! The bad thing is that it was all so true. Now all these traits are being taught to my sweet baby girl. She is no longer a child I even recognize. Her personality is not what it was, and her view of life is so screwed up. She honestly believes that if a lie serves her purpose it is alright to tell.

Now all I am getting is a combo of crap from them both. Half truths, omissions, and all out lies are the only things that come from either of them. Anything to bend the situation to their advantage. As long as they come out on top, there is no concern for anyone else who may be hurt in the process. How do you even set about trying to fix that? The answer is that you can’t fix it. A person must want to change before it will occur. My ex was given every opportunity to become what God wanted her to be, but refused. Now my daughter is facing the decisions that will effect the rest of her life. She is choosing the path that is right and good or the path that is self serving and harmful to all those that love her.  It breaks my heart to see the road she is going down. I have no influence on her in any way. My ex has seen to it, and continually pushes for more control. I’m at a complete loss on what to do to have any positive effect in this.

My ex wife was faced with hard choices that she obviously found very easy to make. I would have fought to the death to make that marriage work, but my desire to fight was useless. I was the only one that wanted it, so it was all for nothing. Now my daughter is faced with hard choices. She too seems to find them very easy. It truly breaks my heart to see her choose her own wants and desires over what she has been taught is right. To see a child pick the path of least resistance and knowingly sacrifice relationships with  multiple family members is horrifying. My daughter has been told since birth that my love is unconditional. She knows that there is nothing that she can do or say to make me or her grandparents  stop loving her. Was that lesson taught too well? Where did I go wrong in loving her?

The mistake of marrying the woman she now calls her mother is obvious, but who could foresee the evil that I am now dealing with. Although I know this isn’t my fault, I still feel so much guilt. My decisions led to the choices my daughter is now making. They also have led to the decisions I am now forced to make. A single choice in 2001 has led to what could destroy my family, my sanity, and my life as a whole if I allow it to. How is that even possible? It’s like that conversation you had with your parents as a teen that you never believed was true. I am here to tell you, it was all true. If not for the wisdom and support of my parents and loving wife, I would be destroyed as a father and a man. There is no telling how low I might have sunken before I hit bottom. That is the true reason for this all. My ex wife wants to see me suffer. Why anyone could hate another person so much I can not even imagine. I have many reasons to want my ex to suffer. The least of which are the things that occurred while we were married. Seeing what she has twisted my daughter into angers me beyond belief. Rather than strike out I pray for her. Vengeance doesn’t belong to me, although I wish it did at times.

So back to the title of this post, “easier said then done”. The choices that I am making aren’t really mine to make. They have been made for me already. You can’t force anyone to love you. You can’t force anyone to want a relationship with you, and you can’t force anyone to feel anything. All the choices have been made prior to my “decision”. My ex wife chose a life that did not include me, and chose to claim my daughter as her sole property. My daughter has now chosen to allow herself to play the role that her mother wants her to play. What I want, need, and see as right doesn’t matter in either of their eyes. Truthfully I believe with my whole heart that forcing my daughter into an unwanted relationship with me will cause nothing but destruction. It will further damage our relationship as well as those in my family. I refused to see who and what my wife was until I decided it was time to face the obvious facts. No one could force me to see what I didn’t want to see. My family made small attempts and it only damaged those relationships. Now it is time for me to pray and be patient until my daughter sees the truth and comes back to the open arms that will always love her more than life itself.