Posts Tagged ‘Broken family Child custody custody daughters divorce heart break Marriage parental alienation parenting PAS’

I really feel like some clarifications may be needed for those that aren’t a part of the “inner circle.” I don’t want anyone thinking that I have given up or given in. The fact of the matter is that I just see the reality of the situation that I am currently in. The reality is that B is not a small helpless child. My daughter will be 16 in a few short months. This isn’t a case of brain washing, nor do I think every alienation situation is. The truth is that a child, and in this case my child, has made decisions actively to be where they are and doing what they are doing. That isn’t to say that I believe that M has no part in this.

Looking back this was set up for many years to mentally condition B to make the decisions that would lead to this.  Pointing fingers is extremely easy to do, but honestly I have made a lot of mistakes along the way as well. I don’t blame B nor do I totally blame M for the situation. I also played a role in this whole messed up deal. I saw warning signs that I ignored, because I didn’t want to see them. No one wants to look at their spouse and see a manipulative horrible person. That is almost impossible to do, even for the most intelligent well adjusted person (I don’t claim to be either). I could have made some better choices prior to the divorce as well as after that would have had an effect on where things are. While in the midst of the divorce things got about as nasty as you can imagine. I actually took 8 or 9 months off from having any contact with my ex, M. My parents, sister, or anyone but me would pick up and drop off B. I simply didn’t trust her and had no desire to be put in jail over some lie or BS that never happened. Yes it was that bad! I’m not sure what I could have done that would have impacted what is happening now, but I do know that B didn’t see her parents as a team working together for her. She saw two people that had zero trust for the other and a tremendous amount of malice.

All that malice is gone on my part. What it has been replaced with is anger at what is happening in the moment. I don’t look back and hate M for the things she has done, but I do get annoyed, pissed off, or frustrated when we have to deal with stupid issues now. When I think of M now it just makes me sad for so many reasons. The same can be said for B. They both aren’t allowing themselves to feel true happiness and love from the people that surround them. B has made the decision to cut me, my parents, both step-siblings, her cousin, aunt, uncle……..shall I go on? Out of her life. M could have partners in raising B and a pretty decent ex (if I do say so myself) if she only would allow it.

So I am hurting from not being able to be in my daughter’s life, but there is a lot of pain on the other side as well. Living in an emotional box and refusing to feel isn’t without pain. B is hurting herself as much as she is hurting me. The difference is that I have life experience and maturity that she doesn’t have. I’m simply better equipped to deal with emotions and life in general. I honestly worry how the decisions she  is current making will effect her long term. My biggest fear is that she will stay emotionally in a place where she blames me regardless of the reality of the alienation. There really is no right thing for me to do. I followed the advice of therapists and gave B space. That space turned into her saying that I abandoned her in favor of my wife and family. So then I pushed to see her, and she reacted violently as did her mother.  It’s the worst kind of catch 22 possible for a parent. The harder I try the further away she gets, but if I do nothing I feel like a horrible parent and she feels abandoned.

That’s why we see the current custody situation as a win for both sides. I’m not forcing B to see me, and she finally has to attend therapy and discuss things with a professional. I hope she gets some perspective on things and begins dealing with her emotions. Well, I have a lot more to say, but that will more than likely continue for a while. So I think I will end things now and try to enjoy the weekend.

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Well it’s been damn near a year since I last posted and everything was converted to private during that time. Blame my attorney! She was watching out for me and is as good as any lawyer I have ever met. A lot has occurred since my last post, some good and some bad. We’ve been in court for various silliness, the funniest one was for child support. I was served for being behind on my child support which is direct drafted from my account. Withing 15min I had proof from my bank, the clerk of court as well as child support enforcement that I was current. The issue came down to the fact that my ex, “M” had moved and not provided the child support people with a viable address. Her attorney nor her even tried to call and get any answers, so off to waste a judge’s time we went. Our state also requires mediation in custody disputes and she refused to cooperate, so again we went to court. The judge found in favor of my wishes and the states, but it was pure stupidity and nothing but games.  At least I tried to work it out and hold up my end. I gave her multiple options that she refused because as she said,”It isn’t what I want I am just doing what my daughter B wants.” Whatever…..

We did spend three months, twice a week staring at one another in a parking lot…NOW THAT WAS FUN! To avoid contempt charges M did bring B to our usual meeting place but they just sat there and refused to do anything else. My parents did attend one of those meetings where B was pretty hard on them and M played her usual games. By the end of the three months I had a few conversations with B  where she made her wishes very clear.  Honestly, I was just emotionally drained and couldn’t take it anymore. My mood would change the day of the meetings and my sleep patterns would go to hell, so I explained to all involved that we should probably end the meetings. If it had that much of an effect on me I knew it had to be effecting B in a negative way. The last thing she needs is more negative in her life and I didn’t want to continue to pursue her if all it was doing is pushing her further away. In the end I had a couple of really good conversations where B did say that she loved me and expressed her reasons. The reasons weren’t logical, but they were as far as she is concerned, as valid as anything else in her life.

I’ve continued to send B at least one e-mail a month expressing my love and that I miss her but not pushing or prodding her in any way. I guess I could say that I am at peace with where things are. It would be a lie, but I could say it anyway. Where I really am is at a point of quiet resignation. It seems that I am in a lose/lose situation. If I push her to see me it pushes her further away, but if I don’t she can say that I am not trying hard enough (which is one of her reasons). In the end, following the advise of therapists was the wrong thing to do. Giving her that space allowed her to use that time to say that I just don’t try or that I didn’t try enough. Again, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. There really is no right thing for me to do and I understand that as much as one possibly can.

It’s been a couple of months since I saw B last and we have had a few lawyer visits since. The modification of custody finally resurfaced and we literally just put it to bed yesterday. Through our attorneys we finally came to an agreement on the custody issue. It’s a bit of a hollow victory for both M and myself. M got the custody changed from 60/40 to at the wishes of B and a couple more dollars a month. I got court ordered counseling and more information on what is occurring in B’s life. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I expect contempt charges and more court dates if history is any indicator. To this point I have avoided filing any contempt orders, but enough is enough. You can only be burned so many times before it’s actually for the good of the child to make sure things are enforced to the letter of the law.

Well that pretty much brings things up to date and I don’t want this blog to be about bashing my ex. If it does then I am as guilty as I believe she is and just as big a problem. My goal is to vent, be honest, let other parents know they are not alone, and maybe help myself deal with it all. I’ve found a lot of good resources that I want to share and I’ll post again sooner rather than later. Please feel free to comment, it’s nice to know someone is listening out there.