Posts Tagged ‘daughters’

I really feel like some clarifications may be needed for those that aren’t a part of the “inner circle.” I don’t want anyone thinking that I have given up or given in. The fact of the matter is that I just see the reality of the situation that I am currently in. The reality is that B is not a small helpless child. My daughter will be 16 in a few short months. This isn’t a case of brain washing, nor do I think every alienation situation is. The truth is that a child, and in this case my child, has made decisions actively to be where they are and doing what they are doing. That isn’t to say that I believe that M has no part in this.

Looking back this was set up for many years to mentally condition B to make the decisions that would lead to this.  Pointing fingers is extremely easy to do, but honestly I have made a lot of mistakes along the way as well. I don’t blame B nor do I totally blame M for the situation. I also played a role in this whole messed up deal. I saw warning signs that I ignored, because I didn’t want to see them. No one wants to look at their spouse and see a manipulative horrible person. That is almost impossible to do, even for the most intelligent well adjusted person (I don’t claim to be either). I could have made some better choices prior to the divorce as well as after that would have had an effect on where things are. While in the midst of the divorce things got about as nasty as you can imagine. I actually took 8 or 9 months off from having any contact with my ex, M. My parents, sister, or anyone but me would pick up and drop off B. I simply didn’t trust her and had no desire to be put in jail over some lie or BS that never happened. Yes it was that bad! I’m not sure what I could have done that would have impacted what is happening now, but I do know that B didn’t see her parents as a team working together for her. She saw two people that had zero trust for the other and a tremendous amount of malice.

All that malice is gone on my part. What it has been replaced with is anger at what is happening in the moment. I don’t look back and hate M for the things she has done, but I do get annoyed, pissed off, or frustrated when we have to deal with stupid issues now. When I think of M now it just makes me sad for so many reasons. The same can be said for B. They both aren’t allowing themselves to feel true happiness and love from the people that surround them. B has made the decision to cut me, my parents, both step-siblings, her cousin, aunt, uncle……..shall I go on? Out of her life. M could have partners in raising B and a pretty decent ex (if I do say so myself) if she only would allow it.

So I am hurting from not being able to be in my daughter’s life, but there is a lot of pain on the other side as well. Living in an emotional box and refusing to feel isn’t without pain. B is hurting herself as much as she is hurting me. The difference is that I have life experience and maturity that she doesn’t have. I’m simply better equipped to deal with emotions and life in general. I honestly worry how the decisions she  is current making will effect her long term. My biggest fear is that she will stay emotionally in a place where she blames me regardless of the reality of the alienation. There really is no right thing for me to do. I followed the advice of therapists and gave B space. That space turned into her saying that I abandoned her in favor of my wife and family. So then I pushed to see her, and she reacted violently as did her mother.  It’s the worst kind of catch 22 possible for a parent. The harder I try the further away she gets, but if I do nothing I feel like a horrible parent and she feels abandoned.

That’s why we see the current custody situation as a win for both sides. I’m not forcing B to see me, and she finally has to attend therapy and discuss things with a professional. I hope she gets some perspective on things and begins dealing with her emotions. Well, I have a lot more to say, but that will more than likely continue for a while. So I think I will end things now and try to enjoy the weekend.

Well it’s been damn near a year since I last posted and everything was converted to private during that time. Blame my attorney! She was watching out for me and is as good as any lawyer I have ever met. A lot has occurred since my last post, some good and some bad. We’ve been in court for various silliness, the funniest one was for child support. I was served for being behind on my child support which is direct drafted from my account. Withing 15min I had proof from my bank, the clerk of court as well as child support enforcement that I was current. The issue came down to the fact that my ex, “M” had moved and not provided the child support people with a viable address. Her attorney nor her even tried to call and get any answers, so off to waste a judge’s time we went. Our state also requires mediation in custody disputes and she refused to cooperate, so again we went to court. The judge found in favor of my wishes and the states, but it was pure stupidity and nothing but games.  At least I tried to work it out and hold up my end. I gave her multiple options that she refused because as she said,”It isn’t what I want I am just doing what my daughter B wants.” Whatever…..

We did spend three months, twice a week staring at one another in a parking lot…NOW THAT WAS FUN! To avoid contempt charges M did bring B to our usual meeting place but they just sat there and refused to do anything else. My parents did attend one of those meetings where B was pretty hard on them and M played her usual games. By the end of the three months I had a few conversations with B  where she made her wishes very clear.  Honestly, I was just emotionally drained and couldn’t take it anymore. My mood would change the day of the meetings and my sleep patterns would go to hell, so I explained to all involved that we should probably end the meetings. If it had that much of an effect on me I knew it had to be effecting B in a negative way. The last thing she needs is more negative in her life and I didn’t want to continue to pursue her if all it was doing is pushing her further away. In the end I had a couple of really good conversations where B did say that she loved me and expressed her reasons. The reasons weren’t logical, but they were as far as she is concerned, as valid as anything else in her life.

I’ve continued to send B at least one e-mail a month expressing my love and that I miss her but not pushing or prodding her in any way. I guess I could say that I am at peace with where things are. It would be a lie, but I could say it anyway. Where I really am is at a point of quiet resignation. It seems that I am in a lose/lose situation. If I push her to see me it pushes her further away, but if I don’t she can say that I am not trying hard enough (which is one of her reasons). In the end, following the advise of therapists was the wrong thing to do. Giving her that space allowed her to use that time to say that I just don’t try or that I didn’t try enough. Again, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. There really is no right thing for me to do and I understand that as much as one possibly can.

It’s been a couple of months since I saw B last and we have had a few lawyer visits since. The modification of custody finally resurfaced and we literally just put it to bed yesterday. Through our attorneys we finally came to an agreement on the custody issue. It’s a bit of a hollow victory for both M and myself. M got the custody changed from 60/40 to at the wishes of B and a couple more dollars a month. I got court ordered counseling and more information on what is occurring in B’s life. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I expect contempt charges and more court dates if history is any indicator. To this point I have avoided filing any contempt orders, but enough is enough. You can only be burned so many times before it’s actually for the good of the child to make sure things are enforced to the letter of the law.

Well that pretty much brings things up to date and I don’t want this blog to be about bashing my ex. If it does then I am as guilty as I believe she is and just as big a problem. My goal is to vent, be honest, let other parents know they are not alone, and maybe help myself deal with it all. I’ve found a lot of good resources that I want to share and I’ll post again sooner rather than later. Please feel free to comment, it’s nice to know someone is listening out there. 

Well it’s the day after the big visit that never occurred. You would think that I would be more relaxed and at ease. The attorney is hard at work, M slipped  up and made her intentions plain to see, and the waiting game is over. Well, I’m not more relaxed! I was up until four am last night because my mind just wouldn’t shut down. The next “thing” coming was rolling through my mind over and over. It’s dumb because I have no idea what comes next. Trying to figure out what M has up her sleeve is impossible. There is no telling which direction she may go at any given moment. The only thing that is sure is that M will do anything she can to be able to “win” in her own eyes. No need to worry there, because there isn’t a damn thing that I can change or make different.

The next question rolling around is, what will the lawyer do? Again, it just doesn’t matter. I have come to trust and believe that my attorney is God sent. The woman truly understands and is a pitbull in the courtroom. The only thing I worry about is how much is this all going to cost me in the long run? It’s not that my lawyer is sooo expensive, but that things could go quickly or drag out indefinitely depending. So, why am I worrying about my lawyer? I trust she is doing what is best, and that she will wrap it up as quickly as possible. I really have nothing to worry about thus far. M is going to be M and my attorney is going to do her job well.

Honestly what was eating me last night was B. I know that last night was a big game for M. The fact that she took B to a location where I wasn’t after being informed that I wouldn’t be there and why, as well as where I could be found and why shows her intent. My worry is the effect of all this on B. My question is how much of this shit garbage is B buying into. Does my daughter actually believe that I cared so little as to not show up to see her? When I don’t know details of what is being said and done, I don’t have specific things to worry about. When I know exactly what is being done and said it really comes into focus and I worry a lot. I know B is intelligent and that she truly knows her father, but how much does she believe her mother’s lies?

That is the heart of all this, I am worried about my daughter and the effect all this is having on her. What does she believe and how long will it take to undo the damage being done? I just don’t know any of the answers there, so there is nothing I can do to combat it. I don’t even know at this point how long it will be before B even has the ability to see the truth of the situation. Until she sees the whole picture, she only has the side of things being presented to her. That “side” is obviously tainted and slanted to benefit M. The truth of the matter is that B has and is already making decisions to believe what M is spewing. If B wasn’t choosing to believe the lies then we wouldn’t be where we are now. The track record doesn’t bode well for her future decision making abilities.

All I want is for my daughter to be healthy and happy. Right now I know for a fact that B isn’t happy. How could the child be healthy with all the emotional and psychological warfare going on?


As you all know, I have been a mess in anticipation of my visit  that was supposed to occur with B tonight. Well, it never happened. I attended a meeting with my attorney this morning and due to the fact that M filed all this paperwork the day after I demanded to see B and the recent communication, we both decided I should play it safe. Rather than have a meeting at the usual gas station, I was advised to have M drive to my parent’s house (5 mins. farther away, if that) so that there was no opportunity for  M to pull anything stupid and there was no alone time with B. It would cut things off with M and B would be surrounded by family that was welcoming and loving. Neither could cause any unwanted drama.

Unbeknownst to M, I sent the e-mail in reference to all this from the lawyer’s office and in her presence after she proof read it all. I was told exactly what to write. I also made a phone call in front of the Lawyer to let M know about the e-mail. The call was to make sure M got the e-mail as soon as possible and could make any arrangements. As if arrangements are needed for a five minute drive! Within an hour I got my response, and M refused to meet at my parents house. I then responded that I was sorry to hear that and that we would be there regardless if she changed her mind. I then received two more e-mails. One stating that she would meet me at the gas station as we discussed, than another stating that she and B were at the gas station and had been waiting for half an hour for me.
Now, my e-mail and subsequent message were dictated by an attorney and were very clear and concise. There was no way she thought I would be at the gas station after I clearly stated that I would not be, and why. This was a clear and blatant manipulation of B, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. A blind man could see what is going on here. This is just the latest of many on going incidences that are meant to make me the “bad guy” in B’s eyes. No matter what happened, I was going to be the bad parent in this deal. If I had been where she dictated that I should be, then I was forcing B to see me. As it played out, M took B to a location she knew I would not be at and surely made reference to the fact that I didn’t care enough to show up. What other reason was there for the two of them sitting in a parking lot for 30 mins.?

What we have here is a parent that is in obvious contempt of a standing court order (she has been for a very long time), and finally we are at a point that we may be able to do something about it. At this point, my attorney is reviewing all the information we took her to determine the best course of action. I have resigned myself to the fact that forcing B into an unwanted relationship with me will only further damage what relationship we have left. So what we are pursing is court ordered counseling for B and M being held accountable for her actions. Anything above and beyond that is in my lawyers hands and up to her judgement.

Last night both Mel and I got about two hours sleep. Once I decided to get out of bed, somewhere around 5am I was sick in the bathroom for several hours. The stress of this is tremendous and I am just wanting it to all stop. How do people enjoy and participate in this kind of drama? Now, my ex is not the sharpest tool in the shed, she is actually pretty damn close to trailer trash. Her mom lives in the projects, and all but one of her three sisters are a complete drain on society as a whole. The one sister that has any money is unfortunately just as sick and twisted as she is. What I am getting at is that neither she nor the people close to her are intelligent enough to make a plan and carry it out over a long period of time. I believe that M’s actions are evil. Where does evil come from?

Just think about that for a few moments and understand what happens when you allow this into your life.

A lot of people don’t understand what PAS really is. There is a difference between a some what healthy/normal relationship with an ex spouse and what PAS is. In a normal relationship with an ex, you don’t let it effect the children involved. An example, if you have an ex that you don’t necessarily like or get along with, then the children or child doesn’t see the two of you fight. The kids don’t have one parent pitting them against the other. No negative comments are made about the other parent and no one tries to influence the child in any direction. My wife and her ex-spouse don’t get along well. It is difficult for the two of them to communicate, etc. But as far as I know, he doesn’t make any harsh comments about us nor do we about him. Neither side tries to pit the child against the other. Now having said that, there are the normal ex games as I call them. This is my opinion, but her ex does try to use us as an excuse.

There are two types of parents. There are parents that will and have walked through hell for their children, then there are parents that have children that seem to be after thoughts in their life. In any family where there are new blended families with new marriages and children there are new priorities. What is right and what is wrong is a choice that the parents decide for themselves. If a parent chooses not to take advantage of visitation for a long period of time and then the other parent doesn’t cooperate with meeting half way or something of the like, it isn’t PAS. The fact is that the other parent has something to prove. They need to prove something to their ex, and the child. A parent should always have the best interest of their children at heart.  If that means that the other parent has to drive a little further to show that they are serious, then so be it. A child doesn’t need a parent when it is easy for the parent and no parent when it’s hard for them. That isn’t the way it works. It’s just not healthy for a child to have a fair weather parent. So the above is normal, and far from PAS.

PAS is a whole other animal completely. With PAS a child is used a a weapon, period. There is one parent that attempts to cut the child off from the other. Now the offending parent usually has their reason. Bear in mind that it isn’t a good reason. I am sure that M could site a laundry list of why she knows best and how B is better without me. Is it true, HELL NO IT ISN’T!  A parent that is guilty of PAS makes the child depend solely on them, they intentionally make negative comments about the other parent and or family. They make sure that the child doesn’t view the other parent as worthy of being loved. It is very complicated and takes time to achieve. It’s all planned out and there is an end goal in mind. The links on my blog and the definition post explain things so much better than I ever could. It’s kind of scary that it has happened to me and I still don’t understand exactly how. I could write about independent incidences and tell you about what has happened blow by blow. It would take days of typing to do that and I don’t really care to relive the past.
There are ex’s then there are sick demented horrible people that you once were married to. There is a difference, a huge difference. If your ex sucks, they are supposed to, they are your ex for a reason. If your ex is truly a monster, read up on PAS and get your child into therapy as soon as possible. It wouldn’t hurt you either.

I read the blog of someone who is right in the middle of a separation and facing a divorce last night. It reminded me how horrible divorce really is. In his situation there are two small children involved, how horrible. I put my two cents in and gave unsolicited advice to him. Maybe I overstepped, but it is hard to see clearly in the midst of a crisis. Nothing in life is more of a crisis than a divorce. My advice to him was direct and to the point. I told him what I did and what I experienced.

In my personal experience I felt the same as he did, it was all my fault. Now looking back I was a fool. There was way more to the story that I was just not aware of. The divorce had been in the works for months and all the decisions were made long before I knew what the future had in store. There was nothing that I could say or do that would have changed a damn thing! My opinion is that divorce is an evil, terrible thing sent straight from the bowels of hell. There is nothing positive that comes from a divorce. God can use divorce to effect positive change and release you from your own bad judgement as He did in my case, but in and of it’s self divorce is a vile thing.

I have mentioned that my father is a pastor, what I didn’t say is that one of the many ministries that he has been involved with is with the homeless. I myself in my past career came in contact with all walks of life from the highest of the high to the lowest of the low. Having been around so many people that have hit their own rock bottom has allowed me some prospective. So many of these people began their own downward spiral because of divorce. If you don’t see the need for help and try to handle things alone, it’s easy to find bottom. In my case the grace of God is what kept me from hitting bottom. I had the wisdom of both my parents to draw from and a wonderful church that supported me.

My divorce brought me back to God. Those that aren’t saved don’t have that benefit, nor do those without a strong family unit. I am a very lucky and blessed person, and I know it. Things could have been much much worse had things been slightly different.  A person can only take so much heartache before they become broken. How far a person falls is just a question of how much support they have. It’s so sad to see or hear of so many family units being broken. I haven’t even mentioned the effects on the children. In my case it has been extreme. B has had to deal with the abandonment of her biological mother and the manipulations of M. There isn’t a much worse situation that a child can face.

Had B not had the abandonment to deal with, she would not be so easily molded and weak in the face of the manipulation by M. B’s heartache all started with divorce. The divorce with #1 was mutual and smooth for both she and I. It was agreed upon and welcome. The emotional effects on the two of us was minimal, but for B it has and will cause a life long series of questions and pain. My divorce from M was the exact opposite. I never saw it coming, it was completely out of left field. I never knew how bad it was until it had already happened. I had steeled myself to remain committed and work through  any trial that faced us. The problem is that she had given up long before I knew there was a problem. I won’t say it was all her fault, because as much as I dislike her, it wasn’t. With my medical issues came huge financial changes and long periods of depression. I wasn’t always the husband or father that I should have been. Was the divorce my fault? The answer is HELL NO! I was committed, but she wasn’t. I now thank the Lord everyday that she wasn’t, because if she had been I wouldn’t be with Mel. At the time though, it sucked.

Marriage only works if both people are completely committed to making it work. That means different things to different people. For my wife and I it means putting God first in our marriage and drawing strength from Him when we are weak. We both realize that everyday you aren’t madly in love and that you don’t always have rainbows and care bears shooting out of your ass. That’s when we have to lean on Him. Find what is true and real and fight for your marriage. When it’s right, it is better than all the money in the world, and when it’s wrong it’s like walking through hell. I’m blessed with the woman God intended me to have the first time. I wake up knowing that no matter what the future brings, she will be by my side to face it all. I love you Baby, thank you for being my wife, even on those days when life is a trial.

After discussing my last post with Mel I wanted to follow up to clarify a few things. First off, I couldn’t give a shit what M thinks or feels. She has shown that she is willing to sacrifice everyone for her selfish desires. Having said that I’m not worried about what she will say or do after my visit with B. Nothing I say or do will be right and anything said or done will be twisted to be negative. I do however what to remain aware of the fact that this is a game to her. It is life to me and for B, but that isn’t here concern. To forget that what she is capable of is very dangerous for me.


My main concern in that regard is that she find another plot or plan that further hurts B. I can deal and will be fine with time no matter what happens. I have faith that my little girl will return to my arms one day and understand the past with full understanding and clarity. What worries me is what is said and done between B and I during our visit. Being vulnerable emotionally to a teen that is fickle, and has shown a lack of caring for me is scary. I want to be honest and open with B, without letting the meeting cause any undue damage to either of us.


I know these are my thoughts and feeling but I want them to be understood and clear. Ok, I’ve had my say and I’m done for now.

Since I got up this morning I have been in a funk. At first I thought I’d had bad dreams or something. As the day has worn on, my wife has said things about how I have been acting. I started questioning myself on what my issue really was. Well, after all day has passed I have finally figured it out. It’s Thursday that is bothering me… For those of you not following along, Thursday is the day that I am scheduled to see B for the first time in about seven months. There is part of me that is extremely excited to see her, but another that is full of dread and misgivings. I want to see her, but I am so afraid of my feelings after the visit. I’ve been smoking like a freight train for the last several days in anticipation and didn’t even realize what the deal was. I’d almost gotten to the point where I would have claimed to have stopped smoking, but then started dealing with all this and gave into the stress. The Marlboro man loves my dumb ass about now! Could be worse, I haven’t gone and gotten a bottle yet.


I’m not sure how to feel, and feel guilty for feeling what I do feel. What the hell, what’s the deal with this? My wife has been dealing with her ex all day about his visitation. She actually said she felt like M for not caving and meeting him 2 1/2 hrs away four times a month. That’s right, this guy expects us to drive 20 hours a month so that it is easier to see his daughter. He made several choices that led to him being so far away from her, not us. Never mind that he has never taken his allotted visitation, ever! I’d drive to hell and back to spend time with B and this dude wants us to do the work for him and is playing games so that he has excuses to not man up and see his kid. Makes me mad as hell. Sorry for the tangent. With the visit with B looming, I am freaking out on the inside. What I completely expect is a detached kid without feeling for the entire visit, and then no contact for God only knows how long afterward.  That’s the good version of what may happen. It could go far worse and hurt far more. The truth is that I’m not really sure what to expect, and don’t want to get my hopes up in any way at all. I e-mailed M over a week ago in reference to the visit and it has been completely ignored. I just have no clue what I am walking into.


The only thing that I am sure of is that my heart will still be broken on Friday when I wake up. Some idiotic part of me wants to believe that B will have missed me and now “See the Light”. Pretty stupid, I know but it’s a nice dream to have at least. I’ve had no sign from B that anything on her end has changed in any way at all. So hope is useless when it is based on nothing other than hope it’s self. Yet still a part of me holds out that my daughter will see me and tears will flow and her heart will open. Why am I such an idiot when it comes to this? I know better, but can’t help myself. I’ve come to realize that my hopes, dreams and desires for B mean nothing. M has made sure that they mean nothing to B as well and that she doesn’t even have the ability to know any of them. If M were to read this blog, she would just giggle with joy and beam with pride, knowing the pain I am in. That in and of it’s self pisses me off to no end, but how can I change it? I can’t,  I hurt and I feel the pain everyday and her pleasure in that isn’t enough to make me turn my heart from B enough to stop it.


So that’s why I am in a shitty mood and I’m smoking like a freight train, I just don’t know how to turn it all off. In the past, in most area’s of my life I have been able to compartmentalize and deal with whatever life threw at me. No one is shooting at me and my life in general doesn’t depend on it so it’s harder now. I’ve changed too, I’m not the man I was years ago. I’d like to believe that I am a better man that sees and understands more about life and love as a whole. I’m just not sure how to deal with this. A part of me says to close off and ignore what is sure to come and show no pain of any kind, the other says that I should allow the emotions to show. Showing the emotion is dealing with them, or is it? Is it just showing weakness when I need to be strong? Does B need to see any of this internal struggle? If I start to lose my shit do I need to just remove myself from what short amount of time we will have together?  I’ve got so damn many questions and so few answers. I guess that is what this post is all about, my apprehension about Thursday.


I don’t know what to say to a daughter that doesn’t want to say anything to me. I loath the idea of even seeing M because of my anger and frustration that she is the cause of. The bottom line is that this is her game. She has set up the players, the board and made all the rules. So, she wins no matter what. M’s manipulations and lies have been swallowed hook, line and sinker by B. M’s end goal of causing me horrible pain has been achieved. When I see B if any emotion is then shown, it will be reported back to M and the games begin anew with even more zeal. Does my knowledge of this outweigh what might possible offset the manipulations? I’m just not sure what is acceptable and what is stupid in this particular situation. Thank God this isn’t something that one has to commonly face, life would be a constant living hell.


I’m letting this effect too much of my life. My work is still suffering and the wife and I almost got into a fight as I was writing this because thinking or dealing with anything more is just too much for me to handle right now. I don’t know what to do, how to act or what to feel. It’s just overwhelming to deal with the loss and the anticipation all at once. It was easier not knowing then having the knowledge that I will truly know everything soon. I wanna find a hole, crawl into it and smoke a carton of Marlboro. I’m just tired of dealing with all of it, and need a break.

This didn’t just happen overnight. As I have said before it all really started long before the marriage ended. Things did kick into high gear during the divorce and the a huge leap was made when I remarried. At the time of the divorce I didn’t realize that M’s actions were not just to cause me pain, but were also positioning for what was to come. The idea or ongoing manipulations and a “grand plan” is somewhat unbelievable to me, but I can see it very clearly now. Alienation is slow and insidious in the way it takes hold. It takes months or years to carry out and if you don’t know it is happening then how can you defend against it?


During the separation when faced with her infidelity M almost immediately began positioning herself to be in a place of power. The locks on the house were changed after a time for me was set to get my remaining possessions from inside. It was still in my name, so I broke in. No big deal because I owned the property and owned a construction company at the time. All damage was repaired and I got my clothes, work items, and literately very little else. That evening my daughter went missing! She was in the custody of my ex but I was refused my call to her. Shortly after I found out that M had tried to secure warrants for breaking and entering against me! (You can’t break into your own house by the way.) When that didn’t work, she went with domestic violence charges. From there it snow balled. I was legally refused access to my daughter, my ex (as well as her family) , my home, my vehicle, and my guns. In essence she found a way to legally kidnap my daughter without proof of any wrong doing on my part. After several weeks the charges were dropped, but not before she had perjured herself to keep the charges in effect until a hearing.  This allowed several things to happen. It put M in a position of power to determine custody. I had done nothing wrong or even remotely resembling domestic violence and we both knew it, but the mere suggestion cast a cloud over me as a person in general. Let me stop here and say that I detest wife beaters and think they all should be lynched publicly. I have put countless numbers of them behind bars and loved every second of accidental tripping on the way to the back seat of my big blue car. The second thing it did was keep me and B apart. After several weeks of not seeing B, I was pretty much willing to do anything just to see her. It took the fight out of me. The pending charges could have been continued for months, during which I wouldn’t be able to see my daughter. At this point’ I’d agree to anything. I’d never been without my daughter for more than overnight at this point. When I finally was able to see B, I was immediately hit with the question of “Why did you try to have Mommy arrested?”  How do you explain to an 11yr old that exactly the opposite happened. Immediately she was being forced to choose a side/parent. I chalked it up to my ex being a lowlife liar, I didn’t see the big picture.


The above several weeks were drama filled and I  won’t even get into everything that happened. Needless to say I protected myself and went no where with out a recording device and a witness. That was the first huge, obvious, in your face time I should have stepped back and asked myself, “What the hell is going on???”. I didn’t, plain and simple. There were just too many angles to view things from that I was blinded to the picture as a whole. Over the next few months and years, other things started to happen. I found that I had been removed as an emergency contact from B’s school records. In fact my whole family had been removed from existence from anything having to do with her schooling. I wasn’t being informed of school function unless B told me, and then it was always last minute. Parent/teacher conferences began happening without my knowing. It was one thing after the other. I saw everything as isolated incidences, again not seeing the big picture.

This means WAR!!!!


Does anyone see a pattern forming here? I sure as hell didn’t at the time. I was being phased out of my daughter’s life. The other thing that was happening is that M was doing things so that she could play the role of the “poor single mom”, dad just doesn’t even care, “see, he isn’t even here”! The bitch woman had made sure I wasn’t there! You see all this is happening in the background, B had zero knowledge of what was happening. All B knew was that M was handling things and Dad wasn’t there. Even this is multifaceted in it’s effects on B and all those in her life. All this is preparing B to view me in a bad light and M as her rock, when the exact opposite has always been true. When you add the day to day, “dad’s a jerk for…..fill in the blank” conversations, guess who becomes a bad guy? That’s right, I am this evil controlling overlord that is never around. The actual truth is that this whole time I am being a good parent and father, but holding to rules and attending everything I am told about. I was always there for my visitation and constantly asking for more time, but again that was always behind the scenes and B never knew any of it. All she was allowed to see was negative about me. When I defended myself, it was me against Mommy. It was truly a losing battle. M does no wrong. It is always someone else’s  fault, the world is against her.


This thing is like boxing with the invisible man. You can’t see him, but that uppercut sure puts you on your ass! There are a lot more incidences that have occurred, but  I may or may not get into them. I really just want people to understand what I have been dealing with and be able to see the big picture if they are going though this as well. I would give anything to have known what PAS was years ago. I would have been prepared to go to war for my daughter. As it happened, I didn’t even know I was in a street fight much less a war. The overall theme of this post is that I wasn’t prepared and didn’t recognize the signs. I was systematically being  removed from my daughter’s life and painted as a villain. I never realized what was happening until it came to the point that B felt it was actually ok to physically remove me from her life. I was way behind the curve. As a parent in a broken family, you can’t afford to be as blind as I was. Look for the signs and put on your armor. It’s a war for the love and affection of your child!

By now you all know that I am an NFL lineman sized cry baby about this whole deal. Being a big, tough, strong guy doesn’t prepare you for the emotional train wreck of fatherhood. People’s opinions range from stopping contact completely and just waiting all the way to forcing B to visit every time the court says I have a right. B should be here with me a minimum of 14 days a month. That means that half of every month I am remembering that she isn’t here.  Where is the happy medium that allows me to maintain sanity, but lets my little girl know that I miss and love her? It seems that my weekly e-mails sending my love and emotions as well as updating her on our life, have only fueled the fire. E-mails from my ex are few and far between, but when we get them they are always nothing but venom. Everything is always spun a full 180 degrees and twisted until there is no reflection of reality at all. It seems that my e-mails have only given M the ability to know what ammo to use to cause the most damage. That leaves me in a vulnerable position. So I let my daughter know how much I love and miss her and my ex knows I am emotionally ripe for attack. An army doesn’t attack it’s enemy at it’s strongest point, it finds the chink in the armor. My love for B is that weak point. I can’t just turn it off. As vile as I now know my ex to be, it took a long time to turn off that love. You never really turn it off, so much as see the reality of life and move on. It isn’t so clear cut with a child. No matter what I will always love B, and everyone who knows me knows that fact.

My ex surely knows that fact. We spent a year short of a decade together and she saw the inner workings of Big Daddy the whole time. I don’t hold anything back. I’m very passionate about life, love, and my beliefs. M’s modus operandi is to attack me through love. I loved my career, so she made false legal claims that would insure I’d never wear blue again if proved in court. They weren’t proved because they were false, but the suggestion alone was enough to cause many possible employers to question the wisdom of hiring me. I could site many examples, but this isn’t about M, it’s about me and B. So, before I go off on a tangent I will get back to where I was going. My question is where is the middle ground? How much of my heart do I put out there? I’ve been very conservative over the past several months to give B breathing room and not force myself upon her. Even so, M has found avenues of attack. Where does the balance lie between protecting myself and being open enough that B knows my love will never change?

I really fear an attack by B on our visit scheduled on the 21st of July. I asked for a phone call the third week of June through M. I was informed that B was willing to see me on the 21st but didn’t wish to speak to me via phone. M knows that legally she can’t keep B and I apart, but she can make it as hard as possible. I could take legal actions but that would only exacerbate the situation. Now it makes no sense to me that a child doesn’t wish to speak to me by phone, but is willing to spend time with me a month later. The only thing that I can figure is that several weeks is enough time to get B worked into a frenzy against me before seeing me. What else could it be? I’m not expecting the visit to go well. My expectation is that B will feel forced into the visit and be angry with me before I even pick her up. I have no great agenda up my sleeve. I simply want to see my little girl, and ask one question. Are you happy? That is all I want or need to know. If B is happy and wants things to continue as they are then I am happy on some strange level. At 15 she doesn’t have the foresight to see or understand that and I realize that fact. If she felt this rejection, she would be angry. The fact of the matter is that she does feelW rejection from #1 and that is part of the problem. The fear of M’s anger because of what both she and B view as rejection is what is keeping B locked into her current state. It’s sad that a woman in her 30’s and a 15 yr old are on the same emotional and psychological level, but they are.

The bottom line is that B is taken care of. No not in the way that I would like, but she has a roof over her head, food in her stomach, and is doing well in school. Legally a parent has to be an axe wielding mass murder to keep them away from a child. M is not addicted to any narcotics that I know of and hasn’t gone on any killing spree that I have been informed of. Therefore legally I can’t keep her away from B. That influence is in B’s life and there isn’t much I can do about it now. As I said before, people’s opinions vary but I have become very resolute that my current course of action is correct. Give B time and show her love and at some point she will come back to me. It is going to take far longer than I am comfortable with, but what choice do I have? Continual emotional warfare isn’t healthy for her or any of us. If I push, that is all that will happen. M will feed off the drama and B will be pushed yet further away from me. Nothing I do is right. Everything is twisted to look like I don’t have B’s interest in mind or at heart when nothing could be further from the truth.
Right now that middle ground is hard to find. B needs to know I love her and that nothing will ever change that love. I need the emotional warfare to end for my emotional well being. I have to be able to focus on the things that are important. Over the last several weeks, my eating, sleeping, work, and other relationships have suffered tremendously. Thank God my wife and I are both self employed. Hell, I almost fired myself the other day! How do I let B know how much I love and miss her without leaving myself open to the attacks from M that leave me broken and scarred? So, e-mails one a week? Once a month? Only on special occasions? Do I call on her birthday? Are gifts even a good thing? What the hell do I do?