Posts Tagged ‘PAS’

I really feel like some clarifications may be needed for those that aren’t a part of the “inner circle.” I don’t want anyone thinking that I have given up or given in. The fact of the matter is that I just see the reality of the situation that I am currently in. The reality is that B is not a small helpless child. My daughter will be 16 in a few short months. This isn’t a case of brain washing, nor do I think every alienation situation is. The truth is that a child, and in this case my child, has made decisions actively to be where they are and doing what they are doing. That isn’t to say that I believe that M has no part in this.

Looking back this was set up for many years to mentally condition B to make the decisions that would lead to this.  Pointing fingers is extremely easy to do, but honestly I have made a lot of mistakes along the way as well. I don’t blame B nor do I totally blame M for the situation. I also played a role in this whole messed up deal. I saw warning signs that I ignored, because I didn’t want to see them. No one wants to look at their spouse and see a manipulative horrible person. That is almost impossible to do, even for the most intelligent well adjusted person (I don’t claim to be either). I could have made some better choices prior to the divorce as well as after that would have had an effect on where things are. While in the midst of the divorce things got about as nasty as you can imagine. I actually took 8 or 9 months off from having any contact with my ex, M. My parents, sister, or anyone but me would pick up and drop off B. I simply didn’t trust her and had no desire to be put in jail over some lie or BS that never happened. Yes it was that bad! I’m not sure what I could have done that would have impacted what is happening now, but I do know that B didn’t see her parents as a team working together for her. She saw two people that had zero trust for the other and a tremendous amount of malice.

All that malice is gone on my part. What it has been replaced with is anger at what is happening in the moment. I don’t look back and hate M for the things she has done, but I do get annoyed, pissed off, or frustrated when we have to deal with stupid issues now. When I think of M now it just makes me sad for so many reasons. The same can be said for B. They both aren’t allowing themselves to feel true happiness and love from the people that surround them. B has made the decision to cut me, my parents, both step-siblings, her cousin, aunt, uncle……..shall I go on? Out of her life. M could have partners in raising B and a pretty decent ex (if I do say so myself) if she only would allow it.

So I am hurting from not being able to be in my daughter’s life, but there is a lot of pain on the other side as well. Living in an emotional box and refusing to feel isn’t without pain. B is hurting herself as much as she is hurting me. The difference is that I have life experience and maturity that she doesn’t have. I’m simply better equipped to deal with emotions and life in general. I honestly worry how the decisions she  is current making will effect her long term. My biggest fear is that she will stay emotionally in a place where she blames me regardless of the reality of the alienation. There really is no right thing for me to do. I followed the advice of therapists and gave B space. That space turned into her saying that I abandoned her in favor of my wife and family. So then I pushed to see her, and she reacted violently as did her mother.  It’s the worst kind of catch 22 possible for a parent. The harder I try the further away she gets, but if I do nothing I feel like a horrible parent and she feels abandoned.

That’s why we see the current custody situation as a win for both sides. I’m not forcing B to see me, and she finally has to attend therapy and discuss things with a professional. I hope she gets some perspective on things and begins dealing with her emotions. Well, I have a lot more to say, but that will more than likely continue for a while. So I think I will end things now and try to enjoy the weekend.

Well it’s been damn near a year since I last posted and everything was converted to private during that time. Blame my attorney! She was watching out for me and is as good as any lawyer I have ever met. A lot has occurred since my last post, some good and some bad. We’ve been in court for various silliness, the funniest one was for child support. I was served for being behind on my child support which is direct drafted from my account. Withing 15min I had proof from my bank, the clerk of court as well as child support enforcement that I was current. The issue came down to the fact that my ex, “M” had moved and not provided the child support people with a viable address. Her attorney nor her even tried to call and get any answers, so off to waste a judge’s time we went. Our state also requires mediation in custody disputes and she refused to cooperate, so again we went to court. The judge found in favor of my wishes and the states, but it was pure stupidity and nothing but games.  At least I tried to work it out and hold up my end. I gave her multiple options that she refused because as she said,”It isn’t what I want I am just doing what my daughter B wants.” Whatever…..

We did spend three months, twice a week staring at one another in a parking lot…NOW THAT WAS FUN! To avoid contempt charges M did bring B to our usual meeting place but they just sat there and refused to do anything else. My parents did attend one of those meetings where B was pretty hard on them and M played her usual games. By the end of the three months I had a few conversations with B  where she made her wishes very clear.  Honestly, I was just emotionally drained and couldn’t take it anymore. My mood would change the day of the meetings and my sleep patterns would go to hell, so I explained to all involved that we should probably end the meetings. If it had that much of an effect on me I knew it had to be effecting B in a negative way. The last thing she needs is more negative in her life and I didn’t want to continue to pursue her if all it was doing is pushing her further away. In the end I had a couple of really good conversations where B did say that she loved me and expressed her reasons. The reasons weren’t logical, but they were as far as she is concerned, as valid as anything else in her life.

I’ve continued to send B at least one e-mail a month expressing my love and that I miss her but not pushing or prodding her in any way. I guess I could say that I am at peace with where things are. It would be a lie, but I could say it anyway. Where I really am is at a point of quiet resignation. It seems that I am in a lose/lose situation. If I push her to see me it pushes her further away, but if I don’t she can say that I am not trying hard enough (which is one of her reasons). In the end, following the advise of therapists was the wrong thing to do. Giving her that space allowed her to use that time to say that I just don’t try or that I didn’t try enough. Again, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. There really is no right thing for me to do and I understand that as much as one possibly can.

It’s been a couple of months since I saw B last and we have had a few lawyer visits since. The modification of custody finally resurfaced and we literally just put it to bed yesterday. Through our attorneys we finally came to an agreement on the custody issue. It’s a bit of a hollow victory for both M and myself. M got the custody changed from 60/40 to at the wishes of B and a couple more dollars a month. I got court ordered counseling and more information on what is occurring in B’s life. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I expect contempt charges and more court dates if history is any indicator. To this point I have avoided filing any contempt orders, but enough is enough. You can only be burned so many times before it’s actually for the good of the child to make sure things are enforced to the letter of the law.

Well that pretty much brings things up to date and I don’t want this blog to be about bashing my ex. If it does then I am as guilty as I believe she is and just as big a problem. My goal is to vent, be honest, let other parents know they are not alone, and maybe help myself deal with it all. I’ve found a lot of good resources that I want to share and I’ll post again sooner rather than later. Please feel free to comment, it’s nice to know someone is listening out there. 

Well it’s the day after the big visit that never occurred. You would think that I would be more relaxed and at ease. The attorney is hard at work, M slipped  up and made her intentions plain to see, and the waiting game is over. Well, I’m not more relaxed! I was up until four am last night because my mind just wouldn’t shut down. The next “thing” coming was rolling through my mind over and over. It’s dumb because I have no idea what comes next. Trying to figure out what M has up her sleeve is impossible. There is no telling which direction she may go at any given moment. The only thing that is sure is that M will do anything she can to be able to “win” in her own eyes. No need to worry there, because there isn’t a damn thing that I can change or make different.

The next question rolling around is, what will the lawyer do? Again, it just doesn’t matter. I have come to trust and believe that my attorney is God sent. The woman truly understands and is a pitbull in the courtroom. The only thing I worry about is how much is this all going to cost me in the long run? It’s not that my lawyer is sooo expensive, but that things could go quickly or drag out indefinitely depending. So, why am I worrying about my lawyer? I trust she is doing what is best, and that she will wrap it up as quickly as possible. I really have nothing to worry about thus far. M is going to be M and my attorney is going to do her job well.

Honestly what was eating me last night was B. I know that last night was a big game for M. The fact that she took B to a location where I wasn’t after being informed that I wouldn’t be there and why, as well as where I could be found and why shows her intent. My worry is the effect of all this on B. My question is how much of this shit garbage is B buying into. Does my daughter actually believe that I cared so little as to not show up to see her? When I don’t know details of what is being said and done, I don’t have specific things to worry about. When I know exactly what is being done and said it really comes into focus and I worry a lot. I know B is intelligent and that she truly knows her father, but how much does she believe her mother’s lies?

That is the heart of all this, I am worried about my daughter and the effect all this is having on her. What does she believe and how long will it take to undo the damage being done? I just don’t know any of the answers there, so there is nothing I can do to combat it. I don’t even know at this point how long it will be before B even has the ability to see the truth of the situation. Until she sees the whole picture, she only has the side of things being presented to her. That “side” is obviously tainted and slanted to benefit M. The truth of the matter is that B has and is already making decisions to believe what M is spewing. If B wasn’t choosing to believe the lies then we wouldn’t be where we are now. The track record doesn’t bode well for her future decision making abilities.

All I want is for my daughter to be healthy and happy. Right now I know for a fact that B isn’t happy. How could the child be healthy with all the emotional and psychological warfare going on?

 

As you all know, I have been a mess in anticipation of my visit  that was supposed to occur with B tonight. Well, it never happened. I attended a meeting with my attorney this morning and due to the fact that M filed all this paperwork the day after I demanded to see B and the recent communication, we both decided I should play it safe. Rather than have a meeting at the usual gas station, I was advised to have M drive to my parent’s house (5 mins. farther away, if that) so that there was no opportunity for  M to pull anything stupid and there was no alone time with B. It would cut things off with M and B would be surrounded by family that was welcoming and loving. Neither could cause any unwanted drama.

Unbeknownst to M, I sent the e-mail in reference to all this from the lawyer’s office and in her presence after she proof read it all. I was told exactly what to write. I also made a phone call in front of the Lawyer to let M know about the e-mail. The call was to make sure M got the e-mail as soon as possible and could make any arrangements. As if arrangements are needed for a five minute drive! Within an hour I got my response, and M refused to meet at my parents house. I then responded that I was sorry to hear that and that we would be there regardless if she changed her mind. I then received two more e-mails. One stating that she would meet me at the gas station as we discussed, than another stating that she and B were at the gas station and had been waiting for half an hour for me.
Now, my e-mail and subsequent message were dictated by an attorney and were very clear and concise. There was no way she thought I would be at the gas station after I clearly stated that I would not be, and why. This was a clear and blatant manipulation of B, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. A blind man could see what is going on here. This is just the latest of many on going incidences that are meant to make me the “bad guy” in B’s eyes. No matter what happened, I was going to be the bad parent in this deal. If I had been where she dictated that I should be, then I was forcing B to see me. As it played out, M took B to a location she knew I would not be at and surely made reference to the fact that I didn’t care enough to show up. What other reason was there for the two of them sitting in a parking lot for 30 mins.?

What we have here is a parent that is in obvious contempt of a standing court order (she has been for a very long time), and finally we are at a point that we may be able to do something about it. At this point, my attorney is reviewing all the information we took her to determine the best course of action. I have resigned myself to the fact that forcing B into an unwanted relationship with me will only further damage what relationship we have left. So what we are pursing is court ordered counseling for B and M being held accountable for her actions. Anything above and beyond that is in my lawyers hands and up to her judgement.

Last night both Mel and I got about two hours sleep. Once I decided to get out of bed, somewhere around 5am I was sick in the bathroom for several hours. The stress of this is tremendous and I am just wanting it to all stop. How do people enjoy and participate in this kind of drama? Now, my ex is not the sharpest tool in the shed, she is actually pretty damn close to trailer trash. Her mom lives in the projects, and all but one of her three sisters are a complete drain on society as a whole. The one sister that has any money is unfortunately just as sick and twisted as she is. What I am getting at is that neither she nor the people close to her are intelligent enough to make a plan and carry it out over a long period of time. I believe that M’s actions are evil. Where does evil come from?

Just think about that for a few moments and understand what happens when you allow this into your life.

A lot of people don’t understand what PAS really is. There is a difference between a some what healthy/normal relationship with an ex spouse and what PAS is. In a normal relationship with an ex, you don’t let it effect the children involved. An example, if you have an ex that you don’t necessarily like or get along with, then the children or child doesn’t see the two of you fight. The kids don’t have one parent pitting them against the other. No negative comments are made about the other parent and no one tries to influence the child in any direction. My wife and her ex-spouse don’t get along well. It is difficult for the two of them to communicate, etc. But as far as I know, he doesn’t make any harsh comments about us nor do we about him. Neither side tries to pit the child against the other. Now having said that, there are the normal ex games as I call them. This is my opinion, but her ex does try to use us as an excuse.

There are two types of parents. There are parents that will and have walked through hell for their children, then there are parents that have children that seem to be after thoughts in their life. In any family where there are new blended families with new marriages and children there are new priorities. What is right and what is wrong is a choice that the parents decide for themselves. If a parent chooses not to take advantage of visitation for a long period of time and then the other parent doesn’t cooperate with meeting half way or something of the like, it isn’t PAS. The fact is that the other parent has something to prove. They need to prove something to their ex, and the child. A parent should always have the best interest of their children at heart.  If that means that the other parent has to drive a little further to show that they are serious, then so be it. A child doesn’t need a parent when it is easy for the parent and no parent when it’s hard for them. That isn’t the way it works. It’s just not healthy for a child to have a fair weather parent. So the above is normal, and far from PAS.

PAS is a whole other animal completely. With PAS a child is used a a weapon, period. There is one parent that attempts to cut the child off from the other. Now the offending parent usually has their reason. Bear in mind that it isn’t a good reason. I am sure that M could site a laundry list of why she knows best and how B is better without me. Is it true, HELL NO IT ISN’T!  A parent that is guilty of PAS makes the child depend solely on them, they intentionally make negative comments about the other parent and or family. They make sure that the child doesn’t view the other parent as worthy of being loved. It is very complicated and takes time to achieve. It’s all planned out and there is an end goal in mind. The links on my blog and the definition post explain things so much better than I ever could. It’s kind of scary that it has happened to me and I still don’t understand exactly how. I could write about independent incidences and tell you about what has happened blow by blow. It would take days of typing to do that and I don’t really care to relive the past.
There are ex’s then there are sick demented horrible people that you once were married to. There is a difference, a huge difference. If your ex sucks, they are supposed to, they are your ex for a reason. If your ex is truly a monster, read up on PAS and get your child into therapy as soon as possible. It wouldn’t hurt you either.

I read the blog of someone who is right in the middle of a separation and facing a divorce last night. It reminded me how horrible divorce really is. In his situation there are two small children involved, how horrible. I put my two cents in and gave unsolicited advice to him. Maybe I overstepped, but it is hard to see clearly in the midst of a crisis. Nothing in life is more of a crisis than a divorce. My advice to him was direct and to the point. I told him what I did and what I experienced.

In my personal experience I felt the same as he did, it was all my fault. Now looking back I was a fool. There was way more to the story that I was just not aware of. The divorce had been in the works for months and all the decisions were made long before I knew what the future had in store. There was nothing that I could say or do that would have changed a damn thing! My opinion is that divorce is an evil, terrible thing sent straight from the bowels of hell. There is nothing positive that comes from a divorce. God can use divorce to effect positive change and release you from your own bad judgement as He did in my case, but in and of it’s self divorce is a vile thing.

I have mentioned that my father is a pastor, what I didn’t say is that one of the many ministries that he has been involved with is with the homeless. I myself in my past career came in contact with all walks of life from the highest of the high to the lowest of the low. Having been around so many people that have hit their own rock bottom has allowed me some prospective. So many of these people began their own downward spiral because of divorce. If you don’t see the need for help and try to handle things alone, it’s easy to find bottom. In my case the grace of God is what kept me from hitting bottom. I had the wisdom of both my parents to draw from and a wonderful church that supported me.

My divorce brought me back to God. Those that aren’t saved don’t have that benefit, nor do those without a strong family unit. I am a very lucky and blessed person, and I know it. Things could have been much much worse had things been slightly different.  A person can only take so much heartache before they become broken. How far a person falls is just a question of how much support they have. It’s so sad to see or hear of so many family units being broken. I haven’t even mentioned the effects on the children. In my case it has been extreme. B has had to deal with the abandonment of her biological mother and the manipulations of M. There isn’t a much worse situation that a child can face.

Had B not had the abandonment to deal with, she would not be so easily molded and weak in the face of the manipulation by M. B’s heartache all started with divorce. The divorce with #1 was mutual and smooth for both she and I. It was agreed upon and welcome. The emotional effects on the two of us was minimal, but for B it has and will cause a life long series of questions and pain. My divorce from M was the exact opposite. I never saw it coming, it was completely out of left field. I never knew how bad it was until it had already happened. I had steeled myself to remain committed and work through  any trial that faced us. The problem is that she had given up long before I knew there was a problem. I won’t say it was all her fault, because as much as I dislike her, it wasn’t. With my medical issues came huge financial changes and long periods of depression. I wasn’t always the husband or father that I should have been. Was the divorce my fault? The answer is HELL NO! I was committed, but she wasn’t. I now thank the Lord everyday that she wasn’t, because if she had been I wouldn’t be with Mel. At the time though, it sucked.

Marriage only works if both people are completely committed to making it work. That means different things to different people. For my wife and I it means putting God first in our marriage and drawing strength from Him when we are weak. We both realize that everyday you aren’t madly in love and that you don’t always have rainbows and care bears shooting out of your ass. That’s when we have to lean on Him. Find what is true and real and fight for your marriage. When it’s right, it is better than all the money in the world, and when it’s wrong it’s like walking through hell. I’m blessed with the woman God intended me to have the first time. I wake up knowing that no matter what the future brings, she will be by my side to face it all. I love you Baby, thank you for being my wife, even on those days when life is a trial.

After discussing my last post with Mel I wanted to follow up to clarify a few things. First off, I couldn’t give a shit what M thinks or feels. She has shown that she is willing to sacrifice everyone for her selfish desires. Having said that I’m not worried about what she will say or do after my visit with B. Nothing I say or do will be right and anything said or done will be twisted to be negative. I do however what to remain aware of the fact that this is a game to her. It is life to me and for B, but that isn’t here concern. To forget that what she is capable of is very dangerous for me.

 

My main concern in that regard is that she find another plot or plan that further hurts B. I can deal and will be fine with time no matter what happens. I have faith that my little girl will return to my arms one day and understand the past with full understanding and clarity. What worries me is what is said and done between B and I during our visit. Being vulnerable emotionally to a teen that is fickle, and has shown a lack of caring for me is scary. I want to be honest and open with B, without letting the meeting cause any undue damage to either of us.

 

I know these are my thoughts and feeling but I want them to be understood and clear. Ok, I’ve had my say and I’m done for now.